The Confession of a So-called Christian

By Daryl Wingerd

Most people who knew me for the balance of my life would have said that I was a Christian since I was a young boy. I was raised in a home where Christ was spoken of, where prayers were said at mealtime, and where church attendance was important. My father was the pastor of our Brethren in Christ church.

At the age of eight or ten, I was led to make a profession of faith—I said "the sinners prayer" with a Sunday school teacher. About two years later I was baptized—or at least I got wet—on the same Sunday both of my brothers did.

There was a certain degree of understanding in my mind. I didn't doubt the things that the Bible said about Jesus. I was never a skeptic in that sense. But for the next 25 years, even though most who knew me would have said I was a Christian, I did not bear the marks of a true follower of Christ.

I learned to lie as a young boy. I honed this skill as a teenager. And as I grew older, I polished and perfected my abilities until I could make anyone believe that everything I said was true. I said I was a Christian, but Revelation 21:8 says that all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.

At the age of 13, I was introduced to pornographic material, igniting a bonfire of sinful thought and behavior that was not quenched until my true conversion at the age of 35. All the while, I said I was a Christian, but 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says that we should not be deceived into thinking that any sexually immoral person will inherit the kingdom of God.

As a deputy sheriff in Los Angeles County, I learned to use foul language as a matter of routine. I never brought the language home, but I justified it while I was at work, saying that it was necessary in order to relate to the criminal element of society. But I have since learned that neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting are fitting for the followers of Christ (see Ephesians 5:3-4). And I have learned that for every unprofitable word I speak, I will give an account in the day of judgment (see Matthew 12:36).

During those 25 years, I went to church on a fairly regular basis, and was actually a member of several different churches. But it was easy for me to find reasons not to go. I worked the graveyard shift and I would tell my wife I was too tired to go, even though I would sit in my recliner and watch football while she took the children to church. I was honestly happier when I was at work. There, I was with the worldly guys who thought like I did and spoke like I did. There I was with the men who I considered my true brothers. I professed to be a Christian, but it should have been clear that I did not love the true brethren. If I had paid attention to what the Bible says, I would have learned that we know we have passed from death to life, because we love, and want to spend time with, our brothers and sisters in Christ (see 1 John 3:14).

I was also an angry man. I spent literally days, if not weeks at a time in brooding moods of anger and hostility toward my wife and my children. My anger would often erupt into outbursts of unkind, critical words. But if I had read the Proverbs, I would have learned that a furious man abounds in transgression. And if I had read Galatians chapter 5, I would have learned that those who habitually burst out in wrath will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Probably my greatest shame lies in the fact that with all of this evil in me, I was a hypocrite—a prideful and critical man who did not hesitate to point out the faults of others. But if I had read the Bible, I would have seen that I had a huge log in my eye and that I should not have concerned myself with any little specks that might have appeared from time to time in the eyes of others.

Although I never read it during those years, the book of 1 John was written for people just like me, who want the reward without the repentance, and the saving deliverance without the self-denial. Chapter 2:3-4 says, "Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments. He who says 'I know Him,' and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." Chapter 3, verse 10 says, "In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother." I was a professing Christian who was a still a slave of sin—a supposed follower of Christ, yet following after my own lusts.

But during the first 6 months of 1999, I began to feel an increasing uneasiness about my sin. I couldn't escape the feelings of guilt and conviction, which were becoming more and more frequent. I was doing nothing different—nothing to cause these thoughts and feelings to come, but they kept growing stronger. Then in July, for about 3 days, the conviction of my guilt became so strong that I felt as though I would burst if I didn't confess my sin and repent.

There were many tears and many hurtful things exposed through my repentance and confession. But even in this difficult time, my wife took me repeatedly to the Bible to clarify for me what God said about true repentance and faith. One passage she read was in Hebrews chapter 10, verses 26-27, which says "For if we sin willfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a certain fearful expectation of judgment, and fiery indignation which will devour the adversaries."

I don't claim to have understood then, nor do I claim to know now, all the nuances of that passage and the difficult text that follows. But I did hear one thing quite clearly—I could not continue in my sin. I must repent in the most thorough manner. I knew I must not continue to be one, as Proverbs 29:1 says, "who is often rebuked, yet who stubbornly hardens his neck. For such a one will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy."

Jesus Christ came to seek and to save that which was lost. I had for 25 years, shunned the teaching of the church, dodged the arrows of conviction, and spiritually hidden myself in dark places so that I could continue in the sin I loved. But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved me, even when I was dead in trespasses and sins, made me alive together with Christ (by grace I have been saved) (see Ephesians 2:1-10).

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