Question: I am a young person who has a terrible history of sin, including homosexuality and self-mutilation. I recently had what I believe was a salvation experience, and I am trying as hard as I can to walk in holiness, but I am still tormented by doubt, depression, and fear. I feel that I might be too worthless for God to save, and I find myself wanting to return to my former behavior, especially self-mutilation (cutting). What should I do?

First of all, there is no person who is too worthless to be saved. Jesus told us that He came to save sinners, not the righteous. He associated with, and preached the gospel to, the lowest of the low in His culture, inviting them freely come to Him and be saved. He said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28). He did not come to save those who already saw themselves as righteous. Instead He said, "I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" (Luke 5:31). Paul told Timothy that it was completely correct to say, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all" (1 Tim. 1:15). Keep in mind that Paul was "a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor" (1 Tim. 1:13). In other words, he was a murderer who was putting Christians to death for their faith. Yet he was able to say, "Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost [sinner], Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life" (1 Tim. 1:16).

The fact is, Jesus came to give hope to those who had no hope. You are right to recognize your own unworthiness, but unworthiness is not the same as worthlessness (more about this below). You should take comfort in the fact that only people who see themselves as completely unworthy of salvation will be saved. No one who thinks he or she deserves God's gift understands the gift at all.

Second, I want you to understand what the gospel of God's grace truly is. There are false systems of theology where the word "grace" is used freely, but where the biblical concept of grace is cleverly disguised into a works-based system of self-righteousness.

God saves sinners. Sinners do not save themselves by cooperating with God. If you are truly a saved person, it is because God determined to save you, not ultimately because you decided to get saved. Additionally, you cannot add one single piece to the completeness of your salvation through good works. If you have been justified (meaning basically the same thing as forgiven), then your justification is a past, completed determination on God's part. He has already declared you not guilty on the basis of Christ's perfect righteousness and atoning death. If you are truly justified, God already sees you "in Christ," "not having a righteousness of [your] own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith" (Phil. 3:9). This foreign righteousness, the righteousness of Jesus Christ, has been credited to you as a gift, through faith. God did not justify you on the basis of your own goodness, but rather on the basis of the merits of His Son. God does not justify people in stages. You are either justified at this moment, or you are not. If you are a justified person, then God brought it about by graciously giving you a new heart (this is what Jesus called being "born again" in John 3:3), one that loves Him and hates sin (rather than hating Him and loving sin, as was formerly your condition). Having given you a new heart, He graciously drew you to faith in Christ through your understanding of the gospel. All is of God's grace, and all is mercy.

I want you to understand this clearly because one critical aspect of being saved by Christ is ceasing to try to be saved on the basis of your own goodness. As long as there is even a hint of this self-justification left in your mind, you are on dangerous ground.

Third, I would warn you not to base your assurance of salvation on a single salvation experience. There are many who appear to believe and appear to be Christians for a time, but later prove their profession to be false by returning to their immoral lifestyle. Jesus spoke of "those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy" (Luke 8:13). From our limited perspective these people look like true believers. But Jesus goes on in the same verse to say, of some of these apparent "believers," "and these have no firm root; they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away." True believers, on the other hand, are described in Luke 8:15 when Jesus says, "these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance." True saving faith is transforming faith, and as Jesus said, "it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved" (Matt. 10:22).

Fourth, I would like to address the issue of your desire to return to your habit self-mutilation. Many who have been truly saved are nonetheless strongly tempted to return to their former sinful behaviors. Your self-mutilation (cutting) is probably rooted in your own feeling of worthlessness. You need to learn to make a distinction between unworthiness (which I spoke of above, and which is a proper way to see yourself in humble comparison with God) and worthlessness. Your feeling of worthlessness is the mistaken notion that you have no inherent value, but in feeling this way you fail to remember that as a human being you have been fashioned by God as His crowning creative miracle. After God created the whole world, with all the elements, plants, fish, birds, and animals, He made mankind "in His own image" (Gen. 1:27). People are not just another species of animal. You are not just the result of the random action of billions of years of chance encounters between molecules. You are a human being, created in the image of God, and as such you have immense significance. To God, you are much more valuable than any animal or plant (cf. Matt. 10:29-31).

Because of your self-loathing, your feeling of worthlessness, you may have come to see your own body as the enemy. Therefore you may be subconsciously harboring a secret and perverse desire to destroy it. But your physical body is not the enemy. The sin that dwells in your heart is the enemy. Sin has deceived you into turning your aggressions against your physical flesh. The deception is so powerful that you are willing to carry out the desires of your true enemy, sin, by attacking God's beautiful creation, your own physical body. Your aggression should be instead turned against the sin that has deceived you and seeks to enslave you.

Finally, I would urge you to see that the ultimate solution to your problem is not your self-resolve, unyielding diligence, or consistent aggression against sin. These are good and necessary, but for the true Christian the only meaningful and lasting solution is Jesus Christ Himself. You need to seek, with all your heart, to make Him the object of your affections, because when He truly becomes this to you, sin will begin to lose its appeal. Please do pursue holiness vigorously, but driving your pursuit of holiness should be the knowledge of Christ and the grace of God that can be known only through Him.

I will leave you with several suggestions for further reading:

Pursuing God by Jim Elliff (available through this site or through Christian Communicators Worldwide at www.CCWonline.org)

Wasted Faith by Jim Elliff (also available through CCW)

Desiring God by John Piper (available through www.desiringgod.org)

The Discipline of Grace by Jerry Bridges

Daryl Wingerd, pastor of Christ Fellowship in Westin, Mo.