Although I was brought up in the Christian Reformed faith and attended Christian schools, I had a hardened heart at a young age. I started smoking marijuana and drinking in the 8th grade. I strongly disliked going to church. By high school, I knew I was moving out when I turned 18. I was coerced into making a profession of faith along with two of my brothers, their wives and four other people. No one questioned or acknowledged my double life. On communion Sundays I'd be physically ill, and it wasn't because of the alcohol I drank the night before. I was guilt ridden and glad when the day came to leave home and church finally arrived. I bought a mobile home, and that's when the "partyin'" began. After four years I got kicked out of the mobile home park and moved in with some "partyin'" friends. I was getting real tired of getting stoned.

In God's sovereignty, I met a woman who had bought a house and needed a roommate. This woman was a Christian, and I was so eager to be in a new environment that I lied a little bit about my character and she let me move in. After about six months of living with Brenda, I went to her church. It was big, non-threatening and I liked it. The people appeared to have genuine joy and I like being around them. My heart was being softened. I hadn't been able to hide the truth from Brenda that I wasn't totally out of the "partyin'" scene, and she'd get frustrated with me, but still showed me she cared for me. After a while, I started getting involved in the church. I made some commitments to tithe, attend every Sunday, read the Bible and pray every day. I made many new friends and the partying was finally out of my system. When it looked like I was going to marry a man from the church, I thought I'd finally arrived. NOT!

God bashed my plans apart. My boyfriend disappeared for 10 days after I'd told him everything about my past. During that time, I received a letter from him informing me he didn't want to acknowledge he ever had a relationship with me. This really rocked my world. After about a week of mourning over the relationship, a girlfriend invited me to spend the weekend with her while she housesat. The first morning she woke up and wanted to go down to the river and praise and worship God. As we sat on the bank singing, I started to feel uncomfortable. My Friend was having a totally different worship experience than mine.

At this point God opened my eyes to see that my friend was worshipping a God she had a relationship with. She was offering a sweet sacrifice to her precious Savior, and basically I had been singing to make me feel good-and now I saw the difference. An amazing hunger came over me to know God and to worship Him, but there was also fear. This was an all-knowing God I had rejected and spat upon for so many years. I'd known my whole life about Jesus and how He died to take away sins, but did he really die for me?

In God's sovereignty, the following night I found myself attending a Youth for Christ leadership training class. One of the memory verses the class was learning was Romans 10:9-10 which says, "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." This verse showed me "BELIEVE!" Verse 11 says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame." That night I gave my past life, my sin, my control-over to Jesus, believing He died for every hard-hearted sin I committed. And I was set free.

I couldn't wait to confess Jesus as my Savior. A couple of weeks later I was baptized and to me it was finalized. The old had died. I had been made new.

I don't know why I resisted God and His grace as long as I did. I'm thankful God never took His sovereign hand off my life. I can now praise and worship God, knowing His love for me, and be at peace, knowing it's out of my love for Him. It's been 12 years since I've been saved and the hunger for knowing more of God stays. God has been taking me on an incredible sanctifying journey, which includes dying to self daily. I praise God for bringing my family and me to a solid church to worship and to fellowship with people hungering for more of God.

Susan P.

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